quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
