I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
