Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
