Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
