I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
