saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
