If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
