so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
