Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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