If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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