I wish I could punch you in the face.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
