problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
