Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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