Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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