I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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