I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
