we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
