I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
