This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
