It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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