you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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