When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize