On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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