I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
