Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
