for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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