Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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