I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
