she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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