I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
