...so i touched it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
