So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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