Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
