And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
