I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
