Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
