the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize