And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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