She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
