I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
