my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
