Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
