She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
