Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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