thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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