I wish you could order shots online.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
