she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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