I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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