Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
