i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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