You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
