What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
