oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
