you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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