Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
