so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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