I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
