He passed out mid-signature
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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