Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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