Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
