they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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