id be glad to
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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